I’m 34, a single woman and looking for a partner. I don’t know where to start. I have been so busy finding a career and getting hooked up too an ex-boyfriend that I have missed the best years of my youth. Now I am ready to settle down and get married. I want children. Right now the pickings are slim. Heck, where do all the single guys out there hang out? Plenty of men are available but most are married or have girlfriends–they just want a fling. Where do I search for a decent guy?
The Harvard MBA says:
I’m actually working on a dating book, but because it hasn’t been released yet, I’ll try to provide the summary version and some key recommendations.
First of all, recognize that you’re not alone. With the declining marriage rate and the tendency for people to postpone starting a family, you’re in good company.
In the 80s, there was a widely quoted article that said that a 40-year-old woman had a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than getting married (urban legend, of course; the writer of the article was clearly speaking tongue-in-cheek). Back then, 40 seemed very late in life to get married. Today, it happens all the time.
The Bible on getting married is John Molloy’s “Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others“. Do read my outline of the book–it’ll only take a few minutes, and it may end up being the most important thing you ever read.
But for the lazy, it says that there are six basic guidelines for women who want to marry:
1. Insist on it.
2. If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on.
3. Love yourself first.
4. Commit yourself to the idea of getting married
5. Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance
6. Time is running out–use time wisely in your search for the marrying man
It sounds like you’re on the right track, now that you’ve dumped your loser of a boyfriend. And if men are offering to have flings with you, you are probably reasonably attractive, which is very important. (By the way, don’t pay attention to the negative Amazon reviews of Molloy’s book; a cursory glance shows that they are all written by overweight women who are outraged that men would be such pigs as to prefer the svelte, sexy, and attractive. Next they’ll be complaining that men should stop wasting time watching sports on TV.)
Your big issue seems to be that you’re unable to find the “decent” guys. Here is where market segmentation and targeting comes into play. According to Molloy’s research, the peak marrying years for college-educated men are 28-33 (30-36 for men who go to graduate school), and that the chances that a man will get married plummet after the age of 38. Therefore, you need to target men between 28 and 38–right in your current age range, another plus for your chances.
Within that age range, there are certain types of men who are more likely to marry:
- Men whose friends and siblings are married; 60% of newly married men reported that they had a friend who had married within the last year, and men who didn’t have any married male friends were 2-3 times as likely to say that they weren’t ready to marry.
- Consider unpolished jewels, men who are just as nice, intelligent, hard-working, and successful, but lack looks, height, or social skills; 88% of men over 50 who were marrying for the first time were marrying divorced women. The women told the researchers that they had already tried the tall, suave, type, and he didn’t make a very good husband.
In other words, find good-hearted men who may not look like Brad Pitt, but might clean up well after getting the “Queer Eye” treatment. The best bet is a guy who has a lot of married friends.
Now for the $64,000 question–where can you find these men?
Here’s the (very) relevant advice from Molloy:
1) The best places to meet eligible men are clubs and groups based on common interests. Join organization that have single men as members.
- 21% of engaged women over 40 said that they had met their fiancée at an athletic club
- Sports clubs that focus on activities that attract singles (trips, bicycling) are best
- Next best are tennis, and golf.
- Third come professional or social organizations that are overwhelmingly male, like engineering associations or collectors of sports memorabilia.
- Fourth come organizations that have a singles scene, or sponsor events that give singles a chance to socialize with other club members.
- Dances, picnics, and charity golf or tennis tournaments are also a good place to meet men.
2. Have an active social life
- Women who go out twice a week, even just to dine with other women or do volunteer work, are 3x as likely to marry than those who don’t go out.
- Going out three times a week boosts your chances even further.
- However, going out more than 5 nights a week decreases your chances. (I call this the Lohan Law)
3. Men who attend religious services are more likely to marry.
A few final thoughts for you:
Only 7 out of 2,000 men interviewed said that their fiancée was dressed in a very sexy outfit when they met–dress attractively, but not provocatively.
Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months. If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish. For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.
Give men a second chance–20% of brides to be said that they didn’t like their husband when they first met him.
Women with a large number of female friends are more likely to marry than women with a large number of male friends; men don’t go out of their way to introduce their female friends to other men.
Men are attracted by the physical, but marry character; newly engaged men said that what attracted them to their fiancées was how classy, positive, energetic, enthusiastic, and upbeat their future wives were. While 68% gave a physical description of their fiancée, only 20% said that what attracted them was how gorgeous and sexy their fiancée was. Over 60% described their personalities, even if the women in question were very beautiful.
Don’t forget to take geography into account. What is the gender balance of your location on the Singles Map?
Good luck. It sounds like you’re already on the right track.
Ask a compelling question, and you just may see it answered right here, by a real Harvard MBA! And it won't cost you one thin dime.
All submissions for Question of the Week will be read, but we regret that only a chosen few can be answered.
Every week, we auction off a thoughtful reply to the highest bidder, so check our
32 Comments
You say:
Have an active social life
* Women who go out twice a week, even just to dine with other women or do volunteer work, are 3x as likely to marry than those who don’t go out.
* Going out three times a week boosts your chances even further.
* However, going out more than 5 nights a week decreases your chances. (I call this the Lohan Law)
This is a causation-correlation fallacy.
I think it’s more likely that the TYPES of women who are social enough to go out two or thee times a week are the types who don’t have a problem finding husbands. They’re social, outgoing and fun. THOSE are the qualities (which you pinpoint elsewhere) that get the men, not eating food.
The ones who go out five times a week are party animals (I agree) or too busy with events to bother finding a mate.
although I don’t need it (happily married) I love that you give dating advice too
Thanks Fitarella! I think it’s fun to have a mix. I’d hate to just hand out b-school advice!
Causation:
It’s true that correlation is not causation. But I’m firmly of the belief that actions impact attitude. For example, positive psychology researchers estimate that of your happiness, 50% is genetic, 10% depends on your life circumstances, and 40% is up to you.
Even if you’re not a natural schmoozer, if you go out often enough, you should pick up a feel for it.
It’s definitely the case that practice is essential to getting better at anything.
I just finished my first year of b-school in Denver. I am happily married so I can’t give first hand advice, but my single friends do very well. It doesn’t matter if they are looking for a fling or a serious relationship. It seems that love is in the air at grad school. Law school, b-school, or engineering do not seem to make a difference.
Such a renaissance man!
Since you are also working on a dating book and have included Molloy’s book, I wanted to share this article :
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-06-01-late-life-marriage_N.htm
It mentions a new book that you may also be interested in if you don’t already have it:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0882823264/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance
“So Why Have You Never Been Married? 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn’t Wed” by Carl Weisman, M.S.
For the woman who posed the question, I do think that 1) stating and abiding by your intention up front; and 2) recognizing the behavior and language of men whose iintention does not match yours are key.
Interesting article, I like your breadth and variety of topics. Being a single male of about that age I’m wondering if you had any advice targetted at the male side of things? I kind of liked that your advice here was partially gender specific.
Miro,
You should figure out ways to stand out from other guys.
For example, a willingness to go dancing (no matter how inept you might be) will distinguish you from the typical, “I don’t dance” attitude of the average male.
You also need to be active and decisive. Be willing to say “Hi” to women. Most will end up rejecting you, but some will actually be receptive.
Finally, given your age bracket, you should be a hot commodity. Get your friends to set you up. Most unmarried women your age are *very* motivated to find a guy.
What data do you have regarding marriage and the current “no fault” divorce environment we have in the courtroom today?
What advise can you give to a 34 year old ready to settle down lady that is dating and in love with a 26 year old man. He acts and lives his life like a 34 year old. But he has said on two occasions that he had pictured himself with someone younger. He does this after a long weekend together. Each time after we have had a wonderful, loving time together where we grow closer. What should I do?
Lisa,
The problem with younger men is that most men don’t start thinking about marriage until their buddies start to get married. Unless your man is willing to be unusual, you might be waiting another 4-5 years, at which point starting a family might get problematic.
Since you’re in love, I think you need to be explicit with him. “Honey, I love you very much, and I know we both want to have a family. As you probably know, it’s harder to have kids after the age of 40. Not impossible, but harder. We really need to think about the future and make some important decisions. I know it’s not ideal for you to make these decisions now, but if we want to build a life together, we need to take a serious look at the situation.”
It might not work. He might not be ready. And you might have to choose between your man and your desire to have a family. But you don’t want to look back and think, “I wish I had children.”
thank you for the caring advise….I have left out the kicker…we are pregnant… He is totally against having it…and I have no idea…my body wants it, but me and my newly started career does not…not to mention, we are not financially ready…but who is ever really ready? I am at my wit’s end. I do not want to trap him but all the signs are saying keep it right now. Our apt. at the clinic had to be re-scheduled…so on and so on….I have until Thursday to decide. And I have never been so unsure about anything in my whole life. I would have to go on medicaid and welfare which I would have a hard time doing…and i think he would walk. My family lives in another state. I just graduated and am not even working…Uhh…this is a horrible situation…Word to the Wise: ALWAYS USE BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!!! Just give it to me straight. What do you think?
Lisa,
Sounds like a tough situation. Your guy is totally against having the baby, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll stay together regardless of your decision. If you keep the baby, the circumstances aren’t ideal; it’s tough being a single mother, especially in this economy.
I think what you need to do is to do some scenario planning based on the different possible courses of action.
For example, if you decide to have the baby, what are your best options? Can you transfer your career to the other state where your family lives? What are the chances that your guy will be able to help support you (by the way, depending on your state, he may have a legal obligation to pay child support)?
Then learn more about the facts. How willing would your family be to support you? Can your guy provide financial support for a child?
Ultimately, this is a very difficult decision that you have to make for yourself, but you can gather information and understand the choices as much as you can given the timeframe.
Good luck, and I’ll be pulling for a happy ending.
I am so glad I ran across your site. Thank you so very much…I was losing myself in the emotionally there for a moment..thanks for steering me back toward the logical…
I will keep you posted. I am sure whatever decision is made will be for the best.
With very warm regards and a sincere thank you,
LISA
Interesting post! As single guy I am super curious about these things. I was left wondering a bit with statements like “more likely” and “increased chances” what is being indicated, ie. how much percentage or magnitude shift is involved. A marginal percentage shift may not justify a behavior change. Thanks for gathering this information!
I am 34 and think i should think about marriage but it scares me - you have to lover yourself first before you can get married. My friends are in couples and live far away so i cant go out with anyone except myself so now i go out to dating events on my own - what else to do?
I think that life is like this now - i work for myself so i dont meet work people so basically i am not sure what else i can do - i travel too much to get involved with a weekly club so i do with makeshift clubs
I know there could be someone for me there but then i wonder do i need to be with someone or does the world dicatate you have to be - i dont feel lonely at the moment and have felt lonelier in a relationship than out of one - i am picky but why not they are going to be a partner for life -
Advice welcomed - fear is my problem
Ruddy,
Happiness research shows that marriage is one of the strongest determinants of happiness. On the other hand, happiness research also shows that getting divorced is one of the worst things that can happen to your happiness. So marriage can be a bit of a mixed bag.
Ultimately, research is statistical, and your own situation is unique. If you are happy being single, there’s nothing wrong with that. And perhaps if you stop worrying and relax, love will find you (much like many of my friends were only able to conceive after they gave up on their fertility treatments and regimented intercourse schedule).
I would also look to meet people and develop online relationships. If you travel constantly, you’ll be able to maintain online relationships better than offline ones, and you may end up meeting people that you can meet with on your offline travels.
My friend Ben Casnocha is in near constant movement, but doesn’t get lonely because there are many people he has regular (online and phone) contact with, and because wherever he goes, he meets with his blog readers.
DON’Ts
Don’t tell your date you want children for first month of dating.
Don’t dwell in your dates and be decisive….date multiple at a time and frequently. Just like when you are unemployeed you need a job fast but not any job.
Don’t look 34. Adopt styles that makes you look younger but still fashionable to your target age group. No hottie looks but more classy.
Don’t act too young….sell your mental maturity and intelligence and career establishment. Guys wanting to get married are looking for these traits. Guys wanting a one nighter are not.
Are you good in the sack? Guys who are experienced appreciate older ladies who are also experienced in the sack.
Reality is that your feminist ideals made you sacrifice your youth to your career development while feminine girls sacrificed their career for finding the man. Life is a gamble, but accept that you can’t have it both ways. Unless you are a model or highly highly successfuly person, lower your standards for your man.
Also, don’t get cats…you will be labeled as a “cat lady” who has cats instead of babies.
Also, don’t be too independent or “corporate”. Many career oriented women I find “manly”. Find your femininity and express it.
Question: how many single women, never married, are in their 30’s? Does anyone know. In USA
Iam 34 but have totally given up all hope in ever meeting anyone. After years of one relationship disaster after the next i decided to call it a day. Not everyone has a soulmate. Iam sad to say i havent had a date in over two years as i can’t face it again. Everyone tells me iam attractive but i don’t ever want to feel like i did when i broke up with my last guy. He was the love of my life. I find myself not even looking at guys now and have no desire for sex or companionship at all. Also have put on weight but don’t have urge to lose it as i feel guys might give me a glance then. Will i always feel this way.
oh no having pets is a no no if you wanna nab a man!
yes, unfortunately society likes to make examples out of women who like to have other degrees than the MRS. that most are after in college- this frightens the “fem” girls back in that line of chasing guys and marriage at any cost (if you saw how these women act to get a man, you would reconsider that word “feminin” it gets nasty)
how sad that in this day and age we “punish” women who “try” to become successful in professions that dont require us to have long legs, huge boobs and incredible genes (all out of our control and largely the fault of our parents who married with beer goggles on).
you cant have it all girly! and dont make me point out that lonely old cat lady with the engineering degree! see what that did to her, now you be a good girl and major in the MRS ! or ELSE!!!!
Im 34, male, single, alone. Im not ugly or a freak, if any not ugly, not freaky, single women read this, write me - winobie@googlemail.com
I am 33 and live in europe, I am not ugly and have a nice career. But still no husband or boyfriend, have not dated in 3 years and somehow attract married guys at the office… I will turn 34 this year and @Carmen…I hope you will not always feel like that and do not give up hope….when you least expect it…love will turn up for sure.
I’m 33 and Australian - I too have given up hope of meeting an emotionally available, honest, single man who wants a relationship. (Yes men, those are my criteria - I live alone so know I can get by on my own salary, and live a good life, just fine. I have never been interested in good looking men as I have always observed them to be womanisers.) Like Indianfemale I too attract married men at work - it repulses me and saddens me that I’ve had to witness how many men try to cheat. I think it’s because I take care of myself and live alone - they see that as desperate and not having to cough up for a hotel room. But I let them know my disgust immediately. I tried online dating, where I gave men of all income brackets and physicalities a chance, yet met liars (the worst of which used me to make his ex-wife jealous while he was still living with his ex-girlfriend yet his friend pretended to be his flat-mate!) Men look at me in the street, but I haven’t been asked out in five years. I asked a man out last year and he never answered or spoke to me again! There are no dating rules, at least none that everyone agress on, it’s a mess. Positive: dating can’t get any worse for me.
Try Asian American men. They are often hidden jewels. The media has portrayed them as unattractive so they may be overlooked. But many have the qualities of an ideal husband: intelligence, talent, quality, integrity, etc. I didn’t think about dating Asian American men until later. My guy is unbelievable and quite sexy when you get to know him.
I am a 29 year-old single female in New York City. I am the last single girl among my friends and coworkers. I haven’t had a date in about 2 years. I know I need to go out more and meet people, but there is no one left to go out with. I know I’m beautiful, I’ve been told so by many men and get noticed all the time…yet no dates. I also have a masters degree and make well over 100K. I’m a nurse, which I think makes it worse, as it is perceived as a low class, working class type of job. I’m very shy when it comes to dating and don’t know what to do.
I’m also considering going back to school for an MBA because I’m tired of my job and want a change. However, I don’t know if this will only prolong my search for a boyfriend/husband.
I don’t know about some of you, but when I see a really nice looking girl that I like, I just can’t bring myself to say hi, or even look her in the eye. I just think, she’ll never be interested in me, and I move on. Beautiful women are one thing, but beautiful and very attractive to you is something else.
I’m 34, 6′4″, have a good job and love animals, I have a cat! But I don’t remember asking anyone out in the last 10 years. I just stay in all the time and presume I’ll be on my own till the day I die. I blame the media for some of my misgivings.
Katharine,
The good news for you is that your profession (nurse) continues to be attractive to men. It may be that men are simply intimidated by you or your vibe.
My recommendation is that you seek out group activities that will bring you into contact with other people. Perhaps if men get to know you in a non-dating setting, they will be more likely to have the courage to ask you out.
Barry,
Sadly, we still live in a society where men need to make the first move. If you never make a move, your fears may come true.
But that doesn’t have to be your fate. This may seem crazy, but have you considered asking out less attractive women?
I think that part of the issue is that you’re simply nervous and out of practice. Anything feels nerve-wracking if you haven’t done it in a while.
Ask out any woman who seems friendly and interested, even if she’s not beautiful. You need to get some “reps” in. After you’ve had more practice asking women out, hopefully with good results, perhaps you won’t feel as nervous.
Or perhaps you’ll find that one of the women you ask out for practice will turn out to be the right one for you after all…
Alternately, perhaps the two of you should get together! You’re roughly the same age….
@Katherine;
You live in NY city! So much to do for single people? And being a nurse has nothing to do with low working class. I am a IT consultant surrounded by men every day; but still nothing, like I said, just married guys who think they can have an office fling.
And you want to go to an MBA class. I really admire you, job as a nurse and going back to “school”. Well, you will meet people during a class and that’s a good thing right?
When you get older you just know what you want and what you don’t want; so yes, people think I have high standards and maybe that’s just the case…otherwise we all could have started a relationship, just to have someone.
@ Freakmagnet; We have a lot in common! I could have written that as well…
How do I contact the 34 year old single woman who wants children/good man. I’m 43 year old, male, divorced, Christian, 5′10″ and 225 lbs. truck driver/owner, two cute sons born 2002 and 2003
good looking, brown salt/pepper short hair.
Caucasian-White- Icelandic/German/American heritage
Wanted- SWF Attractive, Tall, Fit, Caucasian woman, Christian, long hair, prefer 26-36 years old
who wants children. Carl P.O. Box 265, Wilmington, Illinois 60481 Tel.815-790-9637