I’m a 34-year-old single woman. Where do I find a decent guy?

I’m 34, a single woman and looking for a partner. I don’t know where to start.  I have been so busy finding a career and getting hooked up too an ex-boyfriend that I have missed the best years of my youth.  Now I am ready to settle down and get married. I want children.  Right now the pickings are slim.  Heck, where do all the single guys out there hang out?  Plenty of men are available but most are married or have girlfriends–they just want a fling. Where do I search for a decent guy?

The Harvard MBA says:

I’m actually working on a dating book, but because it hasn’t been released yet, I’ll try to provide the summary version and some key recommendations.

First of all, recognize that you’re not alone.  With the declining marriage rate and the tendency for people to postpone starting a family, you’re in good company.

In the 80s, there was a widely quoted article that said that a 40-year-old woman had a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than getting married (urban legend, of course; the writer of the article was clearly speaking tongue-in-cheek).  Back then, 40 seemed very late in life to get married.  Today, it happens all the time.

The Bible on getting married is John Molloy’s “Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others“.  Do read my outline of the book–it’ll only take a few minutes, and it may end up being the most important thing you ever read.

But for the lazy, it says that there are six basic guidelines for women who want to marry:

1. Insist on it.
2. If you find yourself in a dead-end relationship, move on.
3. Love yourself first.
4. Commit yourself to the idea of getting married
5. Keep in shape, watch your weight, and take care of your appearance
6. Time is running out–use time wisely in your search for the marrying man

It sounds like you’re on the right track, now that you’ve dumped your loser of a boyfriend.  And if men are offering to have flings with you, you are probably reasonably attractive, which is very important. (By the way, don’t pay attention to the negative Amazon reviews of Molloy’s book; a cursory glance shows that they are all written by overweight women who are outraged that men would be such pigs as to prefer the svelte, sexy, and attractive.  Next they’ll be complaining that men should stop wasting time watching sports on TV.)

Your big issue seems to be that you’re unable to find the “decent” guys.  Here is where market segmentation and targeting comes into play.  According to Molloy’s research, the peak marrying years for college-educated men are 28-33 (30-36 for men who go to graduate school), and that the chances that a man will get married plummet after the age of 38.  Therefore, you need to target men between 28 and 38–right in your current age range, another plus for your chances.

Within that age range, there are certain types of men who are more likely to marry:

  • Men whose friends and siblings are married; 60% of newly married men reported that they had a friend who had married within the last year, and men who didn’t have any married male friends were 2-3 times as likely to say that they weren’t ready to marry.
  • Consider unpolished jewels, men who are just as nice, intelligent, hard-working, and successful, but lack looks, height, or social skills; 88% of men over 50 who were marrying for the first time were marrying divorced women. The women told the researchers that they had already tried the tall, suave, type, and he didn’t make a very good husband.

In other words, find good-hearted men who may not look like Brad Pitt, but might clean up well after getting the “Queer Eye” treatment.  The best bet is a guy who has a lot of married friends.

Now for the $64,000 question–where can you find these men?

Here’s the (very) relevant advice from Molloy:

1) The best places to meet eligible men are clubs and groups based on common interests. Join organization that have single men as members.

  • 21% of engaged women over 40 said that they had met their fiancée at an athletic club
  • Sports clubs that focus on activities that attract singles (trips, bicycling) are best
  • Next best are tennis, and golf.
  • Third come professional or social organizations that are overwhelmingly male, like engineering associations or collectors of sports memorabilia.
  • Fourth come organizations that have a singles scene, or sponsor events that give singles a chance to socialize with other club members.
  • Dances, picnics, and charity golf or tennis tournaments are also a good place to meet men.

2. Have an active social life

  • Women who go out twice a week, even just to dine with other women or do volunteer work, are 3x as likely to marry than those who don’t go out.
  • Going out three times a week boosts your chances even further.
  • However, going out more than 5 nights a week decreases your chances. (I call this the Lohan Law)

3. Men who attend religious services are more likely to marry.

A few final thoughts for you:

Only 7 out of 2,000 men interviewed said that their fiancée was dressed in a very sexy outfit when they met–dress attractively, but not provocatively.

Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months.  If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish.  For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.

Give men a second chance–20% of brides to be said that they didn’t like their husband when they first met him.

Women with a large number of female friends are more likely to marry than women with a large number of male friends; men don’t go out of their way to introduce their female friends to other men.

Men are attracted by the physical, but marry character; newly engaged men said that what attracted them to their fiancées was how classy, positive, energetic, enthusiastic, and upbeat their future wives were.  While 68% gave a physical description of their fiancée, only 20% said that what attracted them was how gorgeous and sexy their fiancée was. Over 60% described their personalities, even if the women in question were very beautiful.

Don’t forget to take geography into account.  What is the gender balance of your location on the Singles Map?

Good luck.  It sounds like you’re already on the right track.

97 Comments

  1. Causation?
    Posted June 9, 2008 at 7:15 pm | Permalink

    You say:

    Have an active social life

    * Women who go out twice a week, even just to dine with other women or do volunteer work, are 3x as likely to marry than those who don’t go out.
    * Going out three times a week boosts your chances even further.
    * However, going out more than 5 nights a week decreases your chances. (I call this the Lohan Law)

    This is a causation-correlation fallacy.

    I think it’s more likely that the TYPES of women who are social enough to go out two or thee times a week are the types who don’t have a problem finding husbands. They’re social, outgoing and fun. THOSE are the qualities (which you pinpoint elsewhere) that get the men, not eating food.

    The ones who go out five times a week are party animals (I agree) or too busy with events to bother finding a mate.

  2. Posted June 9, 2008 at 7:26 pm | Permalink

    although I don’t need it (happily married) I love that you give dating advice too ;-)

  3. admin
    Posted June 9, 2008 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    Thanks Fitarella! I think it’s fun to have a mix. I’d hate to just hand out b-school advice!

  4. admin
    Posted June 9, 2008 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    Causation:

    It’s true that correlation is not causation. But I’m firmly of the belief that actions impact attitude. For example, positive psychology researchers estimate that of your happiness, 50% is genetic, 10% depends on your life circumstances, and 40% is up to you.

    Even if you’re not a natural schmoozer, if you go out often enough, you should pick up a feel for it.

    It’s definitely the case that practice is essential to getting better at anything.

  5. Tim
    Posted June 10, 2008 at 3:34 am | Permalink

    I just finished my first year of b-school in Denver. I am happily married so I can’t give first hand advice, but my single friends do very well. It doesn’t matter if they are looking for a fling or a serious relationship. It seems that love is in the air at grad school. Law school, b-school, or engineering do not seem to make a difference.

  6. Posted June 12, 2008 at 10:55 pm | Permalink

    Such a renaissance man! :-) Since you are also working on a dating book and have included Molloy’s book, I wanted to share this article :
    http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-06-01-late-life-marriage_N.htm

    It mentions a new book that you may also be interested in if you don’t already have it:
    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0882823264/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance
    “So Why Have You Never Been Married? 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn’t Wed” by Carl Weisman, M.S.

    For the woman who posed the question, I do think that 1) stating and abiding by your intention up front; and 2) recognizing the behavior and language of men whose iintention does not match yours are key.

  7. miro
    Posted June 16, 2008 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

    Interesting article, I like your breadth and variety of topics. Being a single male of about that age I’m wondering if you had any advice targetted at the male side of things? I kind of liked that your advice here was partially gender specific.

  8. admin
    Posted June 16, 2008 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

    Miro,

    You should figure out ways to stand out from other guys.

    For example, a willingness to go dancing (no matter how inept you might be) will distinguish you from the typical, “I don’t dance” attitude of the average male.

    You also need to be active and decisive. Be willing to say “Hi” to women. Most will end up rejecting you, but some will actually be receptive.

    Finally, given your age bracket, you should be a hot commodity. Get your friends to set you up. Most unmarried women your age are *very* motivated to find a guy.

  9. Petrov
    Posted September 13, 2008 at 8:42 pm | Permalink

    What data do you have regarding marriage and the current “no fault” divorce environment we have in the courtroom today?

  10. lisa
    Posted March 27, 2009 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    What advise can you give to a 34 year old ready to settle down lady that is dating and in love with a 26 year old man. He acts and lives his life like a 34 year old. But he has said on two occasions that he had pictured himself with someone younger. He does this after a long weekend together. Each time after we have had a wonderful, loving time together where we grow closer. What should I do?

  11. admin
    Posted March 27, 2009 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    Lisa,

    The problem with younger men is that most men don’t start thinking about marriage until their buddies start to get married. Unless your man is willing to be unusual, you might be waiting another 4-5 years, at which point starting a family might get problematic.

    Since you’re in love, I think you need to be explicit with him. “Honey, I love you very much, and I know we both want to have a family. As you probably know, it’s harder to have kids after the age of 40. Not impossible, but harder. We really need to think about the future and make some important decisions. I know it’s not ideal for you to make these decisions now, but if we want to build a life together, we need to take a serious look at the situation.”

    It might not work. He might not be ready. And you might have to choose between your man and your desire to have a family. But you don’t want to look back and think, “I wish I had children.”

  12. lisa
    Posted March 29, 2009 at 1:21 am | Permalink

    thank you for the caring advise….I have left out the kicker…we are pregnant… He is totally against having it…and I have no idea…my body wants it, but me and my newly started career does not…not to mention, we are not financially ready…but who is ever really ready? I am at my wit’s end. I do not want to trap him but all the signs are saying keep it right now. Our apt. at the clinic had to be re-scheduled…so on and so on….I have until Thursday to decide. And I have never been so unsure about anything in my whole life. I would have to go on medicaid and welfare which I would have a hard time doing…and i think he would walk. My family lives in another state. I just graduated and am not even working…Uhh…this is a horrible situation…Word to the Wise: ALWAYS USE BIRTH CONTROL!!!!!!! Just give it to me straight. What do you think?

  13. admin
    Posted March 29, 2009 at 4:53 am | Permalink

    Lisa,

    Sounds like a tough situation. Your guy is totally against having the baby, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll stay together regardless of your decision. If you keep the baby, the circumstances aren’t ideal; it’s tough being a single mother, especially in this economy.

    I think what you need to do is to do some scenario planning based on the different possible courses of action.

    For example, if you decide to have the baby, what are your best options? Can you transfer your career to the other state where your family lives? What are the chances that your guy will be able to help support you (by the way, depending on your state, he may have a legal obligation to pay child support)?

    Then learn more about the facts. How willing would your family be to support you? Can your guy provide financial support for a child?

    Ultimately, this is a very difficult decision that you have to make for yourself, but you can gather information and understand the choices as much as you can given the timeframe.

    Good luck, and I’ll be pulling for a happy ending.

  14. lisa
    Posted March 29, 2009 at 8:23 am | Permalink

    I am so glad I ran across your site. Thank you so very much…I was losing myself in the emotionally there for a moment..thanks for steering me back toward the logical…

    I will keep you posted. I am sure whatever decision is made will be for the best.

    With very warm regards and a sincere thank you,

    LISA

  15. thepen
    Posted March 29, 2009 at 6:14 pm | Permalink

    Interesting post! As single guy I am super curious about these things. I was left wondering a bit with statements like “more likely” and “increased chances” what is being indicated, ie. how much percentage or magnitude shift is involved. A marginal percentage shift may not justify a behavior change. Thanks for gathering this information!

  16. ruddy
    Posted September 17, 2009 at 1:48 pm | Permalink

    I am 34 and think i should think about marriage but it scares me - you have to lover yourself first before you can get married. My friends are in couples and live far away so i cant go out with anyone except myself so now i go out to dating events on my own - what else to do?

    I think that life is like this now - i work for myself so i dont meet work people so basically i am not sure what else i can do - i travel too much to get involved with a weekly club so i do with makeshift clubs

    I know there could be someone for me there but then i wonder do i need to be with someone or does the world dicatate you have to be - i dont feel lonely at the moment and have felt lonelier in a relationship than out of one - i am picky but why not they are going to be a partner for life -

    Advice welcomed - fear is my problem

  17. admin
    Posted September 17, 2009 at 1:58 pm | Permalink

    Ruddy,

    Happiness research shows that marriage is one of the strongest determinants of happiness. On the other hand, happiness research also shows that getting divorced is one of the worst things that can happen to your happiness. So marriage can be a bit of a mixed bag.

    Ultimately, research is statistical, and your own situation is unique. If you are happy being single, there’s nothing wrong with that. And perhaps if you stop worrying and relax, love will find you (much like many of my friends were only able to conceive after they gave up on their fertility treatments and regimented intercourse schedule).

    I would also look to meet people and develop online relationships. If you travel constantly, you’ll be able to maintain online relationships better than offline ones, and you may end up meeting people that you can meet with on your offline travels.

    My friend Ben Casnocha is in near constant movement, but doesn’t get lonely because there are many people he has regular (online and phone) contact with, and because wherever he goes, he meets with his blog readers.

  18. asianmale
    Posted September 22, 2009 at 12:03 am | Permalink

    DON’Ts

    Don’t tell your date you want children for first month of dating.

    Don’t dwell in your dates and be decisive….date multiple at a time and frequently. Just like when you are unemployeed you need a job fast but not any job.

    Don’t look 34. Adopt styles that makes you look younger but still fashionable to your target age group. No hottie looks but more classy.

    Don’t act too young….sell your mental maturity and intelligence and career establishment. Guys wanting to get married are looking for these traits. Guys wanting a one nighter are not.

    Are you good in the sack? Guys who are experienced appreciate older ladies who are also experienced in the sack.

  19. asianmale
    Posted September 22, 2009 at 12:10 am | Permalink

    Reality is that your feminist ideals made you sacrifice your youth to your career development while feminine girls sacrificed their career for finding the man. Life is a gamble, but accept that you can’t have it both ways. Unless you are a model or highly highly successfuly person, lower your standards for your man.

    Also, don’t get cats…you will be labeled as a “cat lady” who has cats instead of babies.

    Also, don’t be too independent or “corporate”. Many career oriented women I find “manly”. Find your femininity and express it.

  20. Carolyn
    Posted September 30, 2009 at 6:40 pm | Permalink

    Question: how many single women, never married, are in their 30’s? Does anyone know. In USA

  21. Carmen
    Posted November 14, 2009 at 3:47 am | Permalink

    Iam 34 but have totally given up all hope in ever meeting anyone. After years of one relationship disaster after the next i decided to call it a day. Not everyone has a soulmate. Iam sad to say i havent had a date in over two years as i can’t face it again. Everyone tells me iam attractive but i don’t ever want to feel like i did when i broke up with my last guy. He was the love of my life. I find myself not even looking at guys now and have no desire for sex or companionship at all. Also have put on weight but don’t have urge to lose it as i feel guys might give me a glance then. Will i always feel this way.

  22. willy
    Posted December 11, 2009 at 5:39 am | Permalink

    oh no having pets is a no no if you wanna nab a man!

    yes, unfortunately society likes to make examples out of women who like to have other degrees than the MRS. that most are after in college- this frightens the “fem” girls back in that line of chasing guys and marriage at any cost (if you saw how these women act to get a man, you would reconsider that word “feminin” it gets nasty)

    how sad that in this day and age we “punish” women who “try” to become successful in professions that dont require us to have long legs, huge boobs and incredible genes (all out of our control and largely the fault of our parents who married with beer goggles on).

    you cant have it all girly! and dont make me point out that lonely old cat lady with the engineering degree! see what that did to her, now you be a good girl and major in the MRS ! or ELSE!!!!

  23. Rob
    Posted December 26, 2009 at 6:27 pm | Permalink

    Im 34, male, single, alone. Im not ugly or a freak, if any not ugly, not freaky, single women read this, write me - winobie@googlemail.com

  24. Indianfemale
    Posted January 31, 2010 at 6:50 pm | Permalink

    I am 33 and live in europe, I am not ugly and have a nice career. But still no husband or boyfriend, have not dated in 3 years and somehow attract married guys at the office… I will turn 34 this year and @Carmen…I hope you will not always feel like that and do not give up hope….when you least expect it…love will turn up for sure.

  25. FreakMagnet
    Posted February 5, 2010 at 11:12 am | Permalink

    I’m 33 and Australian - I too have given up hope of meeting an emotionally available, honest, single man who wants a relationship. (Yes men, those are my criteria - I live alone so know I can get by on my own salary, and live a good life, just fine. I have never been interested in good looking men as I have always observed them to be womanisers.) Like Indianfemale I too attract married men at work - it repulses me and saddens me that I’ve had to witness how many men try to cheat. I think it’s because I take care of myself and live alone - they see that as desperate and not having to cough up for a hotel room. But I let them know my disgust immediately. I tried online dating, where I gave men of all income brackets and physicalities a chance, yet met liars (the worst of which used me to make his ex-wife jealous while he was still living with his ex-girlfriend yet his friend pretended to be his flat-mate!) Men look at me in the street, but I haven’t been asked out in five years. I asked a man out last year and he never answered or spoke to me again! There are no dating rules, at least none that everyone agress on, it’s a mess. Positive: dating can’t get any worse for me.

  26. Listen
    Posted March 5, 2010 at 5:12 am | Permalink

    Try Asian American men. They are often hidden jewels. The media has portrayed them as unattractive so they may be overlooked. But many have the qualities of an ideal husband: intelligence, talent, quality, integrity, etc. I didn’t think about dating Asian American men until later. My guy is unbelievable and quite sexy when you get to know him.

  27. Katherine
    Posted March 7, 2010 at 7:49 pm | Permalink

    I am a 29 year-old single female in New York City. I am the last single girl among my friends and coworkers. I haven’t had a date in about 2 years. I know I need to go out more and meet people, but there is no one left to go out with. I know I’m beautiful, I’ve been told so by many men and get noticed all the time…yet no dates. I also have a masters degree and make well over 100K. I’m a nurse, which I think makes it worse, as it is perceived as a low class, working class type of job. I’m very shy when it comes to dating and don’t know what to do.
    I’m also considering going back to school for an MBA because I’m tired of my job and want a change. However, I don’t know if this will only prolong my search for a boyfriend/husband.

  28. Barry
    Posted March 16, 2010 at 3:45 am | Permalink

    I don’t know about some of you, but when I see a really nice looking girl that I like, I just can’t bring myself to say hi, or even look her in the eye. I just think, she’ll never be interested in me, and I move on. Beautiful women are one thing, but beautiful and very attractive to you is something else.

    I’m 34, 6′4″, have a good job and love animals, I have a cat! But I don’t remember asking anyone out in the last 10 years. I just stay in all the time and presume I’ll be on my own till the day I die. I blame the media for some of my misgivings.

  29. admin
    Posted March 18, 2010 at 5:34 am | Permalink

    Katharine,

    The good news for you is that your profession (nurse) continues to be attractive to men. It may be that men are simply intimidated by you or your vibe.

    My recommendation is that you seek out group activities that will bring you into contact with other people. Perhaps if men get to know you in a non-dating setting, they will be more likely to have the courage to ask you out.

    Barry,

    Sadly, we still live in a society where men need to make the first move. If you never make a move, your fears may come true.

    But that doesn’t have to be your fate. This may seem crazy, but have you considered asking out less attractive women?

    I think that part of the issue is that you’re simply nervous and out of practice. Anything feels nerve-wracking if you haven’t done it in a while.

    Ask out any woman who seems friendly and interested, even if she’s not beautiful. You need to get some “reps” in. After you’ve had more practice asking women out, hopefully with good results, perhaps you won’t feel as nervous.

    Or perhaps you’ll find that one of the women you ask out for practice will turn out to be the right one for you after all…

    Alternately, perhaps the two of you should get together! You’re roughly the same age….

  30. Indianfemale
    Posted April 5, 2010 at 8:08 am | Permalink

    @Katherine;

    You live in NY city! So much to do for single people? And being a nurse has nothing to do with low working class. I am a IT consultant surrounded by men every day; but still nothing, like I said, just married guys who think they can have an office fling.

    And you want to go to an MBA class. I really admire you, job as a nurse and going back to “school”. Well, you will meet people during a class and that’s a good thing right?

    When you get older you just know what you want and what you don’t want; so yes, people think I have high standards and maybe that’s just the case…otherwise we all could have started a relationship, just to have someone.

  31. Indianfemale
    Posted April 5, 2010 at 8:11 am | Permalink

    @ Freakmagnet; We have a lot in common! I could have written that as well…

  32. Carl Schaefer
    Posted July 26, 2010 at 3:47 am | Permalink

    How do I contact the 34 year old single woman who wants children/good man. I’m 43 year old, male, divorced, Christian, 5′10″ and 225 lbs. truck driver/owner, two cute sons born 2002 and 2003
    good looking, brown salt/pepper short hair.
    Caucasian-White- Icelandic/German/American heritage
    Wanted- SWF Attractive, Tall, Fit, Caucasian woman, Christian, long hair, prefer 26-36 years old
    who wants children. Carl P.O. Box 265, Wilmington, Illinois 60481 Tel.815-790-9637

  33. fehmina
    Posted October 11, 2010 at 5:38 am | Permalink

    I am very impressed with this website. I am a 33 single Muslim woman, never married; who wants to get married but have not found anyone yet.

    I tried dating but the guys just ignore when I get into conversation that leads to a date.
    I was bored of my job and quit my job. I could not perform well in my job towards the end. I want to meet some good Asian American Men who are of my age who are never married and Muslim guys. Looks like I am waiting for Love to happen all my life so long. havenot found anyone yet , no proposals yet ,was never in relationship with anyone..

    can this website help me?

  34. Maya
    Posted November 2, 2010 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

    I am very happy to comes across this site today…

    I was/still am going through a very difficult time in my life…I just got out of an abusive relationship of several years that brought out the worst in me. The reason I still held on to the relationship was beacuse I felt that I had no future without him..I did love him with all my heart and he seemed to love me too but I had to put up with a lot of emotional and physical abuse…I lost my best years to him… Anyway, I’m trying my best get my life back right now.

    Though the fact that I’m fast approaching my 30s and still not married does not look very encouraging, I am relieved to see that there are many single women like me out there…

    My best wishes for love to everyone who posted here..

    @Indianfemale - I can completely understand what you are going through.I’ve been there. I too am an IT Consultant in NYC btw…

  35. Simbba
    Posted November 3, 2010 at 5:36 pm | Permalink

    Is it a crime 2 marry a younger guy as an older woman?

  36. Posted April 26, 2011 at 10:48 am | Permalink

    i want marry with a rich women whose age is 40 to50 years because they independent . If any interest me please mail me

  37. Posted April 26, 2011 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    if any 45year want marry me contact me abc_yadav88@yahoo.com

  38. also
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    No matter what they say, men are interested first and foremost in looks.
    I can prove it. When I was a little overweight (not fat, just average figure) no one gave me a second look. When I lost about 20 pounds which gave me a great figure, THEN guys would look at me. I was the same person. It was an insult…what, I wasn’t good enough for you then but now I am?

  39. sue
    Posted June 21, 2011 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    i’m tired of bieng single i wish to have a partner now but how?

  40. Curtis
    Posted July 13, 2011 at 5:13 am | Permalink

    I’m in the same boat, I honestly have given up on the notion that “love” is something that exists. I’ve tried everything and come up empty handed time and time again and just can’t be bothered anymore, personally speaking. I have also noticed the same thing, just a fling. It is a sad statement that we as a society have degenerated to a point that we simply live for the moment without a care for anyone else, but what happens when the moments end and the only person left is that of the reflection of a hollow person staring back in the mirror?

  41. Divya prakash
    Posted August 16, 2011 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    Iam 41 single unmarrid man.having feeling the same. If you want i will be yours

  42. melissa92
    Posted September 23, 2011 at 5:28 am | Permalink

    i can relate…im 32 beautiful and cant even find a boyfriend but ive been looking for years—i just cant find a guy….guys i meet are only interested in me for a one time fling and that’s a no….im also very attractive and kind and it makes no sense….ive been to clubs, bars, palces…no guy asks me out and based on how guys treat me they only want sex anyway….

  43. Patty
    Posted September 26, 2011 at 7:48 am | Permalink

    I am a 58 year old woman that has been divorced for 10 years. I would love to find a man just to do the simple things with, and to love. I would not even care about the sex if he didnt care for it. When I hear you young ladies looking for love, it makes me think that I should just wish for you to find love because you deserve to have all the things I have already had in life in my past. And I do wish it for you all. It was never a picknic for me but at least I had my 3 children. Whoooa, that wasn’t nearly as fun as I had anticipated either but that is over. The good old days I suppose. Good luck to you younger ones and you men too. I have so much compassion for you all. I think I would want a man in his late sixties this time around. I just don’t know how I would find him. I work a job that doesn’t expose me to much public. I have no friends available to go out with. Do you guys think that it would be weird for me to go fishing all alone? I’ve never done that before but really, I would just like an ole guy who likes to fish.

  44. karen
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 9:26 pm | Permalink

    Im a 29 year old female. I’ve been dating a really nice guy for about 6 months now. My family loves him but the problem is all of a sudden im feeling like its just not right. We are supposed to be moving in together in a month and im terrified im making a mistake and settling for mr. Good enough. He is stable, nice and we have a relatively good time together but I don’t have the sparks I’ve felt in my past. Do I just have cold feet? Am I scared that if this doesn’t work out nothing ever will?? Help

  45. admin
    Posted October 17, 2011 at 10:10 pm | Permalink

    Karen,

    It’s not unusual to get “cold feet” at the prospect of moving in together. Just be glad it’s not engagement or marriage. What you’re feeling might be temporary nerves…or they might reflect a fundamental incompatibility.

    Search your feelings after you’ve been living together for a few months. You’ll be in a better position to decide what to do.

  46. Maria
    Posted October 25, 2011 at 9:29 pm | Permalink

    Karen,

    I hope you still read this article…whatever you do, do NOT…I repeat do NOT make the mistake I did. I was 29 years old and was dating a nice guy but didn’t feel the “sparks” I thought I should be feeling. I let him go. Fast forward to now…I am 37 years old and still single after dating many jerks..I wish I could move back time…I would never have let the wonderful man go. If you have a great man now, please hold onto him. It sounds like you have a great man. The men that create the “sparks” are the ones who end up being the womanizers, players, emotionally-unavailable, comittment-phobic..etc.. There are plenty of men like that when you reach your 30s still single…Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Hang onto this one, and don’t end up like I did…wishing you could turn back time. If I knew then at 29 years old what I know now, I wouldn’t be 37, single, never married and lonely right now!

  47. Fred Okelo
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm | Permalink

    I am a single guy 32yrs. Ths is a good site and i am here searching for a lady to love and marry. age is just a number but i would prefer 30yrs plus. my address deriqlive@gmail.com

  48. Ishmael
    Posted January 30, 2012 at 8:41 am | Permalink

    Am a guy of 22 of age looking for 40 -50 years woman who are looking a guy. You can write to me at lamholyone@yahoo.com

  49. toney
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 10:30 am | Permalink

    im 28 year old men living with myself nd looking for single ladies who not drink alchohol,smoking and no night club.

  50. toney
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 10:33 am | Permalink

    im 28 year old men living with myself nd looking for single ladies who not drink alchohol,smoking and no night club.
    toney.frank@yahoo.com.au

  51. Posted February 23, 2012 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    aim lucky Luke from the Gambia,single ,good looking young man,looking for serious relationship,aim honest person easy going young man,are u that lucky lady that like to be happy for the rest of ur life?my contact is luckyef@yahoo.com phone number is 002207713682

  52. cano
    Posted February 24, 2012 at 6:21 am | Permalink

    i am a man27 years i need a girl for a good relation

  53. Jennie
    Posted February 27, 2012 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    When I first read this thread, I just thought “hmm did I just wrote this in my sleep?”

    This situation is exactly like mine. I was caught up with this one boyfriend for 9 years.

    You said:
    “Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months. If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish. For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.”

    I just wished I read this sooner.

    But the problem is that I am now getting rusty in the dating game and I am having a hard time of living my life as a single again. I think I am still quite attractive although I might not weigh the same as 26 years old me.

    I want to have a new start, but I don’t want to get hurt the same way, and a little part of me hopes that it might be just better to work things out with my old boyfriend (of course this might be only on my side)

    I was trapped in this interracial inter-religious relationship. I know I’ve been warned but it was like us against the world. It was our choice to sticking to that relationship for so long, until he no longer fight for it anymore.

    I don’t know about my chances now.
    I am minority in race, also in religion in my country. - I know most men prefer women from the same ethnic and religion if possible. How much do you think now my chances?

    I am doing good in my career / job. In fact in the end I make better than my previous boyfriend (not in the beginning though). Sometimes I wonder if this facts scared him off, scared a responsible guy off if the wife provide for the family?
    I am not talking about those gold-digger guy who only want to marry older women for her money.

    Men in my work circle respected me, not to make a pass on me, also most of them are married anyway. (I don’t think it’s a good idea to date people from my work circle regarding my position, I supposed this is good for my career)

    It crossed my mind to try the online dating, but really? how are the chances and risk anyway?

    Also what do you think about long distance relationship?

    Now I just wish I can live peacefully as single but I still want a family of my own.

    Finally thank you for this wonderful site. Look forward to have some comment on my issue.

    Cheers..

  54. admin
    Posted February 27, 2012 at 9:54 pm | Permalink

    Jennie,

    Thanks for writing in. Sorry this advice wasn’t able to help you earlier.

    I think that your instinct to try online dating is a good one. While online dating isn’t a panacea, the fact that you’re both an ethnic and religious minority suggests that you might do well to use some of the targeted dating services that now exist. Be sure to investigate the service first, though. For example, JDate is now notoriously overrun by gentiles.

    I’m not a big fan of long distance relationships. There are so many benefits to cohabitation–both emotional and financial–that a long distance relationship starts off with a huge handicap.

    I hope you’re able to find a special person with whom you can start a family.

  55. Kaye
    Posted March 20, 2012 at 6:47 pm | Permalink

    I relate to much of this! I’m 34, active, positive, attractive and well travelled. Finishing my PhD, financially secure and own my own home. I travelled a lot in my twenties, and had a series of shorter relationships as a result.

    I’d like someone around my age who wants kids, knows who they are, and is a good person. I find it easy to meet nice guys, but rarely meet someone I get excited about. I’m also finding it’s easier to find guys who are older (and don’t want kids) or younger (who aren’t looking for anything serious) than my age. I have been dating online, but the pool is small where I am.

  56. Joseph
    Posted April 9, 2012 at 11:40 pm | Permalink

    I’m single and so ready for a date that I hope should end up in marriage. I’m single, dark, goodlooking. I need decent single lady.

  57. Joe
    Posted April 10, 2012 at 10:27 pm | Permalink

    I’ a single guy of 33yrs and 6′1. I need a single decent lady for a serious relationship that should lead to marriage. please contact me through gokinson112@yahoo.com or +2348023928666.
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  58. Epiphany
    Posted May 5, 2012 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

    Just like Kaye, I relate to much of this as well. I am 32, single, and looks like I’ll be the last one off the bus in my circle of friends. I traveled a lot and dated quite a bit in my 20s, but have never made getting married my priority. I just thought when my 30s come around, it’ll just happen. Now I know how wrong that mindset is. It actually takes hard work, like a career…which I worked several times harder to attain. I feel just like the 34-yo OP of this thread.
    @Maria - so true. My long list of what I wanted in a husband (which included “hot, tall, 6-pack” among other things) is now a short list of 3 qualities - kind, financially stable, compatible.

  59. Ajamike
    Posted May 20, 2012 at 12:56 pm | Permalink

    Why is people don’t help?

  60. franko
    Posted June 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm | Permalink

    i am a straight man that just had to make a comment here. it is the women that seem to be playing VERY HARD to get nowadays, and it has become VERY DIFFICULT for me to meet a GOOD WOMAN again for me. i had been married at one time, and i was a VERY CARING AND LOVING HUSBAND that was VERY COMMITTED to her as well. i never MISTREATED her in anyway, and we were married for fifteen years before she CHEATED om me. now that i go out a lot, i seem to meet all the VERY NASTY WOMEN. many of the women today have that SHIT DON’T STINK OF AN ATTITUDE, and are so very hard to TALK TOO. i can certainly see why, MEETING a good woman for me is hard because of the way they have CHANGED. since i have no one to stay home too, that is why i will go out every single night, just not to be home. i am in my late fifties, so it is much harder for me now meeting that good woman for me again. for me, being alone and single again sucks for me, but i will just go out and HOPE FOR THE BEST.

  61. Philip
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 8:35 am | Permalink

    My name is philip i am male,25,single looking for decent lady who will be the mother to my unborn children.interested one should contact me through my email.philipchibuike@yahoo.com.i will be waiting.i love you

  62. Augustine
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

    Augustine is my name, i am only looking for a woman that is 40years plus not below that age you can have me at augustinedzeaye@gmail.com for more information
    thanks waiting for your mail

  63. alicia
    Posted June 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm | Permalink

    hi

    this is quite an old thread and i hope i can still get the advice needed. would be grateful if sent to my personal address incase i don’t find this place

    so here goes, i’m a 29yr old lady with in england 2degrees but unfortunately not working in the desired field. i work permanent nights and this makes it difficult to socialise as i sleep in the day and others are at work. now in terms of going out to where singles are likely to be, any ideas on day time events? i am physically and mentally ready for this, all my friends are married and unless its a girls night out, then its no night out for me which really sucks. i have tried going out to bars on my own but only get chatted up by loosers looking for an easy lay.

    some would say why dont you find a day job? i am and who knows how long it will be? i need to survive and have to hold unto this until something else comes up but i dont think i wanna wait anymore to meet some1 and start a life together…thanks x

  64. admin
    Posted June 21, 2012 at 5:44 pm | Permalink

    Alicia,

    In the United States, there are services like “It’s Just Lunch” that focus on lunchtime dates:
    http://www.itsjustlunch.com/

    There may be analogous services in the UK.

  65. Patrick utin
    Posted July 3, 2012 at 5:18 pm | Permalink

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  66. Sylvia
    Posted July 17, 2012 at 9:48 am | Permalink

    Iam a 31yrr old nigerian girl, pls how can i get connected to my God’s given husband?

  67. James Cole
    Posted July 18, 2012 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    I need a woman fro Usa , she Must be up to 40 and above , I need a caring and good woman

  68. Indiangirl
    Posted July 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    Am a single never married virgin girl of 34yrs. I came to Chennai from my native in 2004 and have been living here since then. Initially my siblings were living with me then they went their ways leaving me alone. I’ve been living alone for the past 2 years in a rented place doing doing night shift for 8yrs in a BPO. Am beautiful and morally upright. A married man attracted me and ended up marrying another girl when I found the truth that he was already married once. This relationship started in 2004 and in 2009 he married. Till this day he never opened his month that he was married once! I really can’t imagine myself getting married to any man. Where is this horrible Aquarian age kaliyuga heading to? Why is God silent with all his powers?

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  70. aries
    Posted August 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm | Permalink

    I am also a single man, Filipino don’t have relationship any more to a single woman after my college days. I am now 40 wanting to have a decent and a simple woman to be my partner in life and start to have a happy family. A stable, smart and welling to have two children. Preferably Filipina. My Fb is clarence von lorcha.ty. +639298735524 / +671567161854

  71. Posted September 2, 2012 at 7:11 am | Permalink

    You made a very big mistake !! My dear . you are finished !! When you are 30 years old women you will never find a good looking single men !!!!! Never !!! Only in the movies can hapend , you know the american crap liying ,phony movies .The one that tell women that they can have everithink ?? My ass !!
    You are too late . Sorry .
    If you are lucky you may find some divorced loser with kids and lots of problems ,alkohol ,gabling ect,
    Stay single !! Sorry.

  72. Twilight Zone
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 7:42 am | Permalink

    So many great comments!
    I am very leery of making big decisions, because if it’s the wrong one it can screw up your life.

    Married the man I feel in love with years after meeting and dating. I was 21 when I married him-he was 28. I knew there wasn’t another guy coming around the corner when I was young. I stuck it out to the end and finally realized his great plans were not ambitious: they were expensive “hobbies.” He even suggested that i have children, years after we divorced (something he he fought) so he could be a house husband. Really? This was the same man who was going to get rich by working.
    So what of it? I was marriage material- but he believed he was allowed to play around with hot girls before, during and after our marriage. His friends egged him on to do this, by the way.
    A huge life mistake! I’m a Twilzight Zone buff, and i have seen the 1/2 show where a woman is riding a horse when a another, older woman riding screams at her and chases her back to her house. The girl has to decide between two men, and she chooses the one she really lust/loves instead of quiet, secure man. Flash forward 15 years and they are still living in the mansion but now it is in great disrepair. The couple drink and the husband is abusive. She thought she had picked right, but he had a different agenda all along and now she was stuck with him, even though she once had a bright future. She was stuck in the marriage and because of legalities, he had title to the home and id as he pleases-which included not working.
    I now see this short series as similar to my own- I married the handsome, poor ex- airforce man. He even tried to get to me to buy a house, but stopped when I realized he was turning down great jobs in order to play around with girls and drink at a shitty job. I don’t know what happened to all that ambition, but he thought I was getting manly by working so much and being promoted to fill the income gap. Well, I can recognize this type a mile away now. They are everywhere! I think the good ones (Stable seeking Stable) are taken, based on watching neighbors: they come, live together, go, marry, have babies but rarely divorce. Most of them don’t even remember my ex. They just remember my bad dates since, and enjoy scapegoating me because I’m not married.

    My only satisfaction is that my ex’s home is on wheels, while I worked overtime and bought a real house. I always thought being older was being wiser- I found that to be a fallacy too. Now, I will only date successful men who value long term investments (and love) and aren’t old enough to be my dad.

  73. Twilight Zone
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 7:55 am | Permalink

    Please pardon the errors above in my comment above. I have poor eyesight.

  74. wasana kawindi
    Posted September 24, 2012 at 10:17 am | Permalink

    Hi, i am 33yrs old virgin Asian girl.I don’t know where to start. I have been so busy with my siblings and parents and my studies that i have missed up the best years of my youth. Now i have good living states. Now I am ready to settle down and get married. I want children. Right now the pickings are slim. Heck, where do all the single guys out there hang out? Plenty of men are available but most are married or have girlfriends–they just want a fling. Where do I search for a decent guy?

  75. JAY T
    Posted October 22, 2012 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    i am a straight man looking for love again, especially after a divorce. i am 58 years old, and it is very hard finding true love again. i am a very sincere, loving and caring man that just would love to have a life again instead of being alone. is there a serious woman out there for me at my age that feels the same way?, would love to hear from you.

  76. Curious
    Posted October 31, 2012 at 5:54 am | Permalink

    Where is the statistical data pulled from for this? Just wondering at the actual pool of information this comes from… “Most men propose after going out with a woman for 18 months. If at the end of 22 months, a man has not proposed, the chances that he will start to diminish. For 3.5 years, the chances diminish gradually. After that, it plunges. After 7 years, your chances are virtually zero.”

  77. admin
    Posted October 31, 2012 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    Curious,

    All the data is pulled from John Molloy’s book. There are probably references in the back.

  78. Female
    Posted November 4, 2012 at 5:53 pm | Permalink

    I am a 38 year old girl I look very nice, classy, slim, masters degree, dress classy/feminine even if professional at work, and also know how to pull of a sxxy dress for a new years eve or festive occasions. When a person asks me how old I am I always ask them to guess and they always guess, whether, it is male or female, un-educated or educated, that I am 28 or at times early 30. I just went on a date with a guy he guessed I was 27 or 28 and then he gradually had to modify his guess. He was literally shocked to know I was 38. I start to feel that I have to lie about my age since it turns out that men always like me when they dont hear about my age but as soon as they hear it, my attractiveness to them falls remarkably. Yet I am still the same slim well educated nice girl. I did some research and if it is with regards to the fertility, an increasing amount of women get pregnant and conceive after 35. So really what is the problem? Guys what you see is what you get please stop being so focused on a number.

  79. Posted November 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm | Permalink

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  80. Rona
    Posted November 10, 2012 at 8:37 pm | Permalink

    Very interesting read. I like all the angles you cover and after reading this I realize that I don’t have the ‘dating smarts’ to be able to snag a guy! :) I am not sure how the most ugly or talentless or even bland people still get married, but I am sure they overlook a lot of things. My cousin has no figure, odd coloring, plain taste and literally cannot do anything of value (i.e. her mom does everything for her even though she has the husband and 2 kids) - other than agree with whomever is sitting across from her and goes to work as an ECE worker and only got into school after getting a few people to lie for her as well as lie on her application. She has done well for herself going to school only 1 yr and married to a guy who is 15 yrs her senior. I am sad to say that I’m envious - however everyone I know in my family is baffled…why did a guy her opposite pick her? Did he fall in love with his mother-in-law to be? Did she not wear any makeup and was pleasant? I grew up with her and I still cannot figure her personality out. She’s a mystery to me. I haven’t been out on a date in 1.5 yrs and am considered beautiful by strangers who walk up to me, but I can’t seem to shake it off that most me lie and string you along …they always need their mother’s to agree with their choices and never want to grow up! why? I keep running into men who I fix up and they end up getting married. I’ve met men who have family genetic issues, players, men who don’t want kids, men who are to die around an age where their father sand grandfathers died of genetic heart issues, mental-emotional issues that are serious, etc. bad luck! why oh why is this happening?

  81. Lilly
    Posted December 3, 2012 at 11:37 am | Permalink

    Wow, this has been an interesting read. I resonate so much with what this ladies are saying. I found this site on google…am in one of those blue moods and just wanted some answers and boy did ur site deliver! :-) thank you.

    Am 34yr, and feeling abit over the hill (right now), most times, I don’t. Am running a successful business and I feel very proud of my achievements. To me, the icing on the cake would be to have a child next year.

    I have no trouble attracting men and I’ve turned down quite a number of proposals, because I felt I wasn’t ready or they weren’t ‘the one’.

    I’ve done some self analysis and I do believe I suffer from what my friends call the ‘Cinderella & Prince Charming’ syndrome. I’m looking for that spark. When I was younger (and even today)….I keep telling myself, that when I meet ‘the one’, I will know. (lol!)….my mother and aunties, think am crazy (They staged an intervention last year)…anyway, long story.

    Thing is, when I get a guy I have chemistry with, after a few weeks, it fades…..so, am beginning to think that, perhaps ‘the one’ is not found, he’s made….so, I guess am going back to my stash of possibles and picking someone, nice….(even though, he seems boring for now)…try and make it work.

    So, of late, I’ve concluded that, anyone can be the one, they just have to have ambition, intergrity and a good sense of responsibility.

    Ladies, we can make ‘the one’…..be alittle patient, love and take good care of yourself and perhaps a little more dialogue with your man to work things out between u.

    Thanks again. You’ve made my day.

  82. Anthony Carter
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  83. TheTruth
    Posted July 24, 2013 at 1:52 am | Permalink

    well there are a lot of us men out there that are looking for a good woman to share our life with, but it certainly has become very difficult for us especially how women have changed over the years. women have become so difficult to meet these days when it is so very hard just to start a conversation with the one that we would really be interested in, and they will just walk away from us. it is definitely much harder for us men meeting a good woman today, and it is usually much easier for a woman that is looking to meet a man.

  84. ali
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  89. Posted March 15, 2014 at 4:10 pm | Permalink

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